This week, I want to write about assertiveness. Some people find it harder to be assertive as they age – partly because they sometimes feel invisible in certain situations. This is a horrid feeling.

We’re all entitled to our own views and to make our point. The trouble is that older folk often worry they will seem aggressive if they do.

But actually, the opposite is true. Indeed, assertiveness is often defined as the ability to be self-assured and confident without being aggressive.

The other important characteristic of assertiveness is that we should speak up sooner rather than later.

If we don’t, the chances are that we will become hot under the collar and come across as hostile rather than reasonable.

I was in a small supermarket the other day and while there I saw a woman of about my age gaze at a shelf and then look worried.

I was about to speak to her when she spied two assistants talking together as they unpacked a mound of boxes of goods that had just been delivered.

They were engrossed in their task, and didn’t appear to see the customer.

She, meanwhile, wandered over to them and then stood swapping her balance from one foot to another and coughing to attract their attention.

By the time they noticed her, she seemed really cross. In fact, she shouted at them using the immortal phrase “You young people…” and went out to complain loudly about how the shelves were empty and things weren’t what they were and how no one seemed to care.

The assistants looked embarrassed but one of them rummaged through her boxes and found a pack of the brown sugar that the customer wanted and apologised. But the older woman just shrugged and turned her back on them.  

This was an incident that could have been avoided. After all, it’s only in comedy shows that people find grumpy old folk funny. In real life they’re unpleasant and a pain in the neck – and I think we need to remember that.

If the customer had gone straight up to the assistants and used calm but assertive language, all that fury could have been avoided. All she needed to say was:

“I’m sorry to bother you. I can’t find any brown sugar. I need it for a recipe. Can you help?”

Instead, she deployed what psychologists call passive aggressive behaviour – which is a recipe for disaster.  

Angela, a friend of mine and a very nice woman of 68, had an unpleasant row with her daughter some months back and this has taken a long time to heal.

Her family were planning to come up for a long weekend. But before they arrived, there were several emails from the daughter listing all the things her two sons would or would not eat.

Now I know that in our generation we often don’t have much time for these kind of eating fads.

And also, most of us would like a bit of freedom to provide meals for our grandchildren that we’re pretty sure they would like, without feeling the whole process is over-controlled by their mum.    

Anyway, Angela ignored the emails but when one arrived with yet more instructions about how it would be good if they had pasta when they arrived and what type it should be and how long it should be cooked for, Angela sent back a stinging email using the following angry phrases which all began with the word “you”.

“You make me sick with all your demands. You don’t suppose, do you, that I have reached the age of 68 without knowing how to cook pasta?

I have loads of ideas of what kids like. You, of all people, should know that.

Or are you going to tell me you never got what you wanted and I was a terrible mother?

You’re a control freak and you’re going to have difficulty with those boys when they get older because they’re going to rebel, and no one will blame them.”

Not surprisingly, the visit was called off. And it has taken three months for Angela and her daughter to have a heart to heart, talk things out and come to a better understanding of each other’s point of view.

There is no doubt my friend could have helped the situation if she had answered the first email swiftly, suggesting what she would like to do and cook and making use of the word “I”.  

“I was thinking of cooking pasta for the boys the night you arrive. I was planning macaroni cheese, all kids love that, and then I thought I’d do strawberries and ice cream for dessert. Is that OK?”

She would have dealt with the situation early, and calmly put her case before everyone turned nasty.

Becoming angry and out of control is very ageing – and it certainly doesn’t do our stress levels any favours.

So, let’s all vow to speak up calmly and early in any encounter, rather than wait till it becomes a battle ground, which is never going to end well.