Rebuilding your life after sexual assault is a feat of huge strength and incredible bravery – but what happens to the people caring for survivors?
Speaking out about sexual abuse is, thankfully, becoming less and less stigmatized. However, few people truly understand that the ripples of abuse affect a person’s whole family and wider support circle.
Cath Pickles is the founder of Restitute, a charity based near Southwold which supports the third-party victims of crime – the parents, the siblings, the children, or even the close friends.
She is also the third-party victim of sexual abuse herself. Cath’s daughter, Sarah, was sexually abused by someone outside the family between the ages of nine and 12.
Cath knew that something was seriously wrong, for Sarah’s mental health had plummeted and her behaviour was challenging. However, she only learned what had happened when Sarah was 15.
Taking care of Sarah, was, of course, Cath’s priority. However, she came to experience first-hand how the effects of sexual abuse tear through an entire family.
Her daughter, who is her 20s now, has waived her right to anonymity granted to victims of sexual assault.
“You blame yourself for what’s happened to your child,” said Cath. “But these parents are not to blame. They are as much victims, in terms of being groomed, manipulated and controlled.”
In December 2019, she set up Restitute, with the aim of providing third-party victims with the information and support which she wished had been offered to her.
It is vital to have a separate organisation for third-party victims, she explained, for many of them feel intensely guilty about admitting that they, too, need support.
This can be emotional, but is often practical and financial, too.
“Abuse causes the absolute destruction of every family network, every social network that you can think of,” said Cath.
To explain this, she paints a vivid picture of a family turned upside-down by abuse.
“Imagine one day, the police arrive at your door. They remove your partner, who has been sexually abusing your children.
“But they haven’t just removed the perpetrator. You have lost the breadwinner, the driver, the person who can reach to change the lightbulbs.
“In an instant, everything has changed. Your lifestyle, which was based on having two incomes, has gone – but your financial commitments have stayed.
“Many family members provide free childcare. Suddenly, you are isolated from your partner’s entire side of the family. They won’t speak to you, let alone provide childcare.
“On top of all that, what the hell do you tell your neighbours? What do you tell your own mother?”
Since 2019, Cath has been working to offer her fellow third-party victims as much support through Restitute as she can.
In the first year alone, Restitute worked with 65 families. The organisation now works with families not only in Suffolk, but in Norfolk, Bedfordshire, Hertfordshire, Kent, Hampshire and Sussex.
“Our results are amazing,” said Cath. Survey results from clients show their mental health improving after their first few weeks of contact, as did their ability to care for themselves and so their physical health.
Anecdotally, clients have told Cath that they have managed to reduce their alcohol intake; one autistic woman managed to reach a final interview for an apprenticeship after not working for 15 years.
Another managed to open her downstairs curtains for the first time in three years after being sent hyacinth bulbs.
Despite this, funding for Restitute is limited. In Suffolk, Cath receives funding from only the Police and Crime Commissioner and the Suffolk Community Foundation.
From Norfolk, she currently receives nothing at all.
“Inevitably, those who refer to us the most don’t fund us,” said Cath. “It is so frustrating to run an award-winning service, with demand and a waiting list, which has been proven to reduce the impact of sexual abuse and sexual violence – and yet there is no obvious source of funding.”
To learn more about Restitute or to donate, visit: www.restitute.org
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